Chapter Two: Sing Me Your Soul And See What Happens.
I starred at the door Alice went into hoping that she would come out soon. I was hoping that she would make it because she was a great person and deserved to make it to the next round. I was hoping that I could go on this journey with someone and not be scared about the future. I was hoping that in the end I was going to have a rock that was going to support me through everything.
“Are you still a little nervous?” My mom said after she put her book mark on the page she was on and took off her headphones. She looked at me with concern in her eye and I didn’t know if my mom had listened to my whole conversation. There was a slight twinge that went through my body because I did throw my mom under the bus in my conversation. I didn’t want her to be mad at me and I don’t regret what I said because I got all of my feelings with Alice all out.
“Not as much anymore. I am just hoping that my friend makes it. I am more nervous for her then I am for myself. I guess that I am really not thinking about me at the moment.” I admitted and I was glad to admit it. All my fears were gone; I only had fear for Alice. I wanted her to make it. I wanted to make sure that a good person is in this competition.
“Well I am glad that your fears are gone. Your friend seems really nice. It seems that you two hit it off pretty well. I am really happy for you.” My mom said giving me a big smile. Every time I saw my mom smile all I could see is the kindness in her eyes. She never thought one bad thing about a person and always had a perfect view on the world. I loved my mom so much for it because I wanted to be like that. I wanted to be able to look at the world in a positive way.
I remembered what my mom had said before I started thinking that my mom was basically Mother Teresa. “Wait, you were listening to our conversation?” I was kind of mad that my mom was eavesdropping on my conversation with Alice. I was scared that she heard what I said and I didn’t want her to think that I thought negatively of her.
“No I didn’t listen to your conversation, what kind of mother do you think I am?” My mom said quickly defending herself. My mom then had a shocked expression on her face with her eyes bugged out and her mouth open, like I accused her of something. “I just saw that all the worries on your face went away that’s all and you to were laughing and smiling. Can’t a mother just be happy their daughter is happy?” My mom acted like it was her civic duty for me to be happy. I just rolled my eyes and laughed.
I knew my mom was right and I was happy. “Your right mom you’re allowed to be happy that I am happy.” I looked at my mom who was actually happy for me.
My mom and I had a weird relationship. It wasn’t a mother daughter relationship, it was more of a sister relationship. My mom would date people and we would stay up gushing about who she dated and the same thing for me too. When one of us had a problem the other one would help out solving it. We were a lot alike and that’s what I liked about us. We were a little shy but once you got to know us we were crazy, funny, and optimistic about some things. The only difference was that I had a lot of self confident issues. My mom would go into a room of strangers and leave being everyone’s best friend. I could never be able to be that confident I would just be a wall flower. We had our little bickering but it never went too far with us. The nice thing about all of it was we were extremely close and that’s what I love about it. We told each other everything and there were no secrets. I felt safe telling my mom anything and I knew in the long run that is why I was such a good person and didn’t do anything dangerous like drugs or alcohol. She told me those things were bad and I didn’t do them.
“That is good to hear.” My mom said and she kissed me on the cheek.
The door opened and Alice came walking out of the door. I got up and ran to her. I wanted to know so badly if she moved on to the next round. I tried to examine her face but I couldn’t read her face. It neither showed she was happy or sad. It was just a blank face that you saw on strangers faces when you walked pass them on the street; a face being emotionless kind of like a zombie.
“So how did you do?” I said hoping that she made it. I was so eager to know if she got in or not that I almost wasn’t going to let her tell me how the whole thing went. I just wanted to know if she got in or not.
“Well I sang my heart out and then they said a couple of nice things about me.” Alice was being around the bush and it was starting to bug me. I was ready to push her to the floor like a school bully and get the answers I wanted. I wanted to know what happened and I wasn’t going to wait another second.
“Of for the love of mighty, did you make it our not?” I asked kind of annoyed at this point and being a little pushy. I didn’t mind being a little pushy. I felt that sometimes you need to be a little pushy to get the things that you want in life. This is one of those moments being pushy worked for you.
“I made it!” She screamed showing me a ticket to Hollywood. I saw the yellow ticket that had her number on it and said Congratulations on making it to Hollywood. She had a big grin on her face and the smile could have gone on for miles. She was excited to make it to the next round and surprisingly I was ecstatic that she made it to the next round. I didn’t really know this girl but for some reason I knew we were going to become fast friends.
“I am so happy for you!” I grabbed her and gave her a big hug. We both started to jump up and down at that moment. It was like she had just got engaged to her prince charming. I couldn’t believe that she made it and I was so happy for her.
“Thank you so much. I can’t believe I made it.” She said while we were still jumping up and down. I couldn’t believe that she was shocked that she didn’t make it. I knew she had doubts but the little pep talk she gave me I thought she was going to use it for herself.
“I knew you were going to make it.” I said because she was a nice girl and nice people don’t always finish last. Sometimes they actually make it and accomplish their dreams like this moment.
She gave me a look and we stop jumping. “You have never heard me sing so how did you know that I was going to make it.” She said giving me a skeptical look. She acted like I knew her whole life and that secretly I was her stalker.
I had to think of my response for a minute. “Well because you’re an awesome person and you deserved it.” I said defending myself.
“Aw that’s really sweet. Thank you so much.” She gave me a big hug. “Now it’s your turn and then we are off to Hollywood.” She said now determined that we both go off to Hollywood together.
“Yeah” I said and then everything came crashing down on me. I realized that I was next and all of the doubts started to come back at me.
Alice could see that I was starting to get nervous again. “You will be fine, trust me. Like you said awesome people deserve everything they want. And you’re an awesome person, you’ll get it.” She said smugly as if she knew I was going to make it. I was kind of betrayed because now she used what I said against me. I thought it was in some kind of rule book that you couldn’t you advice against the person giving it.
“Yeah okay we will see what happens.” I said giving her a skeptical look. I still had my doubts and I knew that there was a chance that I wasn’t going to go off to Hollywood.
“Number 278” The producer said my number and I got nervous. I couldn’t believe that I was about to go sing in front of judges and could possible hear that I am I should just give up on singing. It felt like birds were in my stomach instead of damn butterflies.
“That’s me.” I said regretting it. I thought that maybe if I never said that was my number then I could have just avoided going to sing, then I wouldn’t have to hear the bad news. But I did say that I was up and now I had to go sing.
“You will do fine. Just believe in yourself and no matter what happens you gave it a chance.” Alice said giving me a big hug and a smile. It made me feel a little bit better and I knew that I could do it. I knew I would go in there and give the best performance that I had ever given. I would go in there and blow the socks off of them.
My mom came up to us after she heard my number get called. “You will do amazing and you’ll make it honey. I love you.” Her eyes were full of hope as well as the smile on her face.
I looked at my mom and things got better. The doubts were a low roar and the birds started to shrink in my stomach. “Thanks both of you and I love you too.” I said giving them both a big smile and I didn’t want to show anymore doubts on my face. This was now the time for me to be confidant and go show them what I got.
“Good Luck” Both of them said at the same time.
I went through the door and went to go sing. I walked down the hall and saw pictures of famous singers who sang at the theatre we were at. There was Alice Keys, Joss Stone, Ray Charles, Steve Wonder, and Justin Timberlake. At the end of the hallway were two giant doors that looked very old. They fit perfect in this building because everything looked very old. I opened the door and walked through the doors. There was a little platform where I assumed I would be singing. I looked across the platform to see what else was in this room. Then there was a table with 5 people there. I looked at all 5 of the judges and they gave me a big smile. They didn’t seem scary to me, but then again they were nice to everyone until after they sang. That’s the part that scared me the most was the after part.
I walked in front of them facing all 5 of the judges. I got a look of all of them. The one on the far left was a pretty brunette. She was a petite girl and she could be on any magazine. The one next to her was a guy who looked in his mid thirties. He had glasses on and he was starting to get gray hair. Next to him was another guy. He was a little bit big; he had dark brown hair, and looked very friendly. The next was a girl with blonde hair and was very petite like the brunette girl. The final person was a girl also. She had wavy brown hair and she was bigger than the other girls. She looked like she could either be very friendly or she could be a bitch. I was scared to look at her because I thought that I might get yelled at by her. So I looked at the other four and I knew I would sing to them because if I looked at the other one I would forget all of my lines. She would then have an excuse to yell at me and I would probably just run out of here like there was a fire starting.
“Hi, and what is your name.” The middle guy said to me after I finally got onto the platform. His voice seemed very calm and it seemed very friendly. I started to get a little comfortable.
“Hi my name is April Lycos.” I said stuttering a little bit feeling like a complete idiot for doing it. I couldn’t even say my own name, so how was I about to sing a song for them.
The guy saw that I was very nervous and I might break down right then and there. “Don’t be scared were just 5 regular people. My name is Zack.” He said smiling and I felt a little bit better. He then went down the row of people. “This is Ronda, Doug, Jennifer, and Brooke.” They all smiled and waved at me. I thought I saw Brooke give me a dirty look but that could be my own imagination. Sometimes when I met new people I got paranoid and thought that they hated me. When I met Isabella for the first time I thought she was talking bad about me so I tried to beat her up. Then I realized that she thought I was really sweet and until this day we still laugh about it.
“Hi everyone, it’s nice to meet you all.” I said waving at all of them. I wanted to come across friendly as can be so that they were already softening up to me before I sang. “I can do this, there just regular people.” I said to myself giving myself a bit of a peep talk. I didn’t say it too loud for them to hear me and think that I was a little strange.
“Now tell us where you’re from.” Zack said looking at me. I didn’t know why he wanted to learn more about me. There wasn’t much to learn about me. It’s not like I kicked cancer in the ass or I discovered a new planet. I was just a normal girl who thinks that I have a good voice.
“I am from Owings Maryland.” I said properly trying to get my nervous under control. I didn’t need them using my nerves against me.
“That’s a very small town isn’t it? Now tell us a little bit about yourself.” Zack said leaning forward waiting for me to answer. I liked Zack he didn’t seem like a judge at all. He seemed more of a friend or a guidance counselor. I figured if I sucked really badly he wouldn’t chew me out that bad.
“Well I am 18 years old and I am about to graduate from High school which I am really excited about. I like to read books, and just hang out with the couple of friends I have. I enjoy music, it’s my life. I write my own songs but I think that there really not good. I live with just my mom which is really nice.” I felt like I was on one of those random speed dating things. Where you say everything about yourself in 5 minutes and try to get the date to like you. “There is really nothing else to say.” I admitted because there wasn’t anything else I could think of to talk about. I didn’t want to get really into my personal life like my dad’s death. I didn’t want their sympathy votes.
“Do you know where you want to go after high school?” Zack asked after I was done saying stuff about me. I didn’t know why he didn’t just let me sing and just get it over with
Before I could even answer his question, Brooke had a comment to say. “This girl is very boring and I can’t go through this anymore. I honestly don’t know why you have to keep asking these people questions about their lives. You will never see them again if they are horrible singers.” Brooke looked at me again with hateful eyes. She glared at me and I knew she was probably the mean girl of her high school. No one other then the bullies glare at you like the way she was I could tell that I was wasting her life from that glare.
“Bitch” I heard Doug said before he took a sip of his drink. I could tell that I wasn’t the only one who had a problem with her attitude. It was nice to know that I wasn’t completely paranoid about this.
“Well I don’t care what you think. I am actually curious about the people that go through these doors. I know that some of them are out there and that’s why I don’t ask them questions, but the ordinary people I want to know them.” Zack said politely towards Brooke. I didn’t think she deserved his kindness but I was going to keep my mouth shut. “This will be my final question I promise.” He said towards me.
“I plan on going to Towson. I got a full scholarship to go there. My mom and I are really happy about it.” I said blushing because I felt embarrassed about it for some odd reason. It was a huge thing and I should be really proud of my accomplishment.
“Wow a full scholarship.” Zack honestly was impressed and I could see myself liking Zack. He was a cool person and he didn’t look older then his early 20’s. “Okay I laid just one more question.” Everyone actually was interested in more about me other then Brooke. She let out a big sigh showing how bored she was of me. Zack ignored her. “What did you get the scholarship in?”
“I got it in singing.” I said smugly, I knew that would shut up Brooke about me sucking. I didn’t know why but right then I knew I couldn’t be a horrible singer if I got a full scholarship to Towson for singing.
“Well see Brooke what happens when you ask people about their lives. You learn fun stuff like that.” Zack said looking at Brooke again. You could tell by the way he said it that he was rubbing it in her face.
“Yeah, yeah okay so she might be able to sing.” She said giving him an annoyed look. She knew that she was at the wrong but it seemed from her personality that she would never admit her wrong doing. Then she looked at me. “Alright hot shot tell us what you’re going to sing.” The glare came right back and it still scared me. All she needed was her hair to turn into snakes and she would be Medusa.
I totally forgot that I had to sing. I wish it was kind of an interview because I had four people on my side. Now after I sing I don’t know if any of them will be on my side. “I am going to sing Bleeding Love by Leona Lewis.” I said regretting that song. It had a high part that I knew I could nail but not in front of a women who hated me. I knew that I couldn’t look at her when I sing because I would choke and possibly be turn into stone.
“That’s a hard song to sing. I doubt that you could sing it.” Brooke said being very rude. I thought judges were supposed to be encouraging not totally rude. I watched American Idol and not even Simon Cowell would say half of the things that she is saying.
“But for someone who got a full scholarship to Towson, I bet she can sing it.” Zack said in my defense. It looked like to me that it was Zack and Brooke who were the stars of this show. The other three just sat there and really didn’t say much. I could tell in there eyes they were really close to telling Brooke to shut up so that I could sing.
Zack looked at me again and then smiled. “Don’t worry we believe in you. You can start anytime you want to.” Zack had a smile on his face and it looked like he was trying to comfort me and he didn’t want me to be scared off by Brooke.
I stood there for a moment, breathed in for a minute to get myself to be calm, and started to sing. At the beginning I felt a bit nervous but once I got into a couple of the verses I was actually having fun. I ignored Brooke and my doubts and just had fun. And then it hit me for the reason I came here to sing. Other then being tired of being a no body, it was because I loved to sing. When I sang I felt like I was in my own happy place and that no one could take me out of it. I sang when my dad died and other bad times after that. If I ever needed to get my emotions out I would sing a song that related to my feelings. I would lose myself in a song and after I sang I felt really good about it.
I was getting to the hard part of the song and it didn’t bother me at all because I knew that I could do this. I got to the high pitch part and I loved every second of it. I showed the judges why I was a good singer. I showed why I got the full scholarship to Towson and why I tried out for this competition. I put Brooke’s doubts to rest and I was happy about it. I was glad that Medusa couldn’t say anything about my singing skills anymore. I was glad to have the hard part out and I finished up the song.
It was quiet for a moment and I was kind of scared. In my mind I thought that I nailed it. I knew this was the part that I was regretting the whole time. This is why I didn’t want to try out. I didn’t want to hear that I was the worst possible singer that they have ever heard. I didn’t want Medusa I mean Brooke to have more ammo against me. I wanted to run out of there and be like I don’t want to hear what you have to say. I looked at the door and I had a good chance at running out of here with my dignity.
I looked at each other their faces and I couldn’t read their faces. They looked like Alice said when she got her ticket. They didn’t have any emotion or any trace of if they liked me or didn’t. I started to get panicky and I didn’t know what to do. Before I could say anything I saw that Ronda was about to open her mouth. I knew then that I couldn’t escape with my dignity. I could feel that the birds in my stomach were laughing at me. I want to punch them senseless at this point.
“That was amazing. I am actually surprised. I didn’t know that it was in you. How you controlled your voice at the high part. It was one of the best we have seen today.” Ronda said with a big smile on her face. After she talked the birds in my stomach stopped laughing. I wanted to laugh in their face but I had 4 other judges to hear.
“I am going to agree completely with Ronda over here. When you first started I could tell that you were a bit nervous and I was scared you were going to let your nerves get to you but you didn’t. I think you can go far as long as you are confident in the amazing voice you have.” Doug said with a big smile on his face.
“See it wasn’t that bad. Now I know why you got that full scholarship to Towson. You were great and I am so proud of you. I think that you might have a chance to go to the finals if you keep doing that.” Zack said with a big grin. I think he was trying to throw it in Brooke’s face that I wasn’t a bad singer. I wanted to join in on rubbing it in her face but I needed her vote before I can do that.
“I am speechless. I didn’t know someone so small could have a voice like that. I do have to agree with Zack. It’s good that we talk to the ordinary people first because they could actually have amazing voices.” I would have felt insulted at that moment for what Jennifer said but I was too happy that I had 4 judges on my side.
I looked at Brooke and I was ready for the bitchiness to come out. I was ready for all of her insults but at this moment I didn’t care what she had to say. I had Ronda, Doug, Zack, and Jennifer on my side. So when she was ready to talk I kind of tuned her out in a sense. I didn’t want what she said to get to me personally and I already had 4 yeses.
“Don’t get too carried away. I will admit that she was good but I don’t think that she was the best we have seen.” Brooke said and I knew that the bad stuff was about to hit the fan. “You have a voice but you’re too boring. And that high part I think was a little bit out of pitch.” I was mad that she said that. I thought I sang it perfectly but then again it was me saying that. I could have been horrible and I would have known clue. I would think I was the next Kelly Clarkson or something but in reality I could have been the next Heidi Montage.
“You just don’t like her that’s all.” Surprisingly it was Doug who said something. “I don’t know why you don’t like her. She is sweet, humble, and has a great voice.” Doug said defending me. I was really happy that this random stranger was defending me.
I started to blush because I thought it was pretty awesome that four people I don’t even know were defending me against this wicked witch person. I felt flattered and I liked it. I liked knowing that if I needed someone to help me through this I had them for advice.
“Okay what ever I don’t care what you have to say. You all got soft because she is a small town girl. You know what-” She then looked at me. “Small town girls get eaten alive in Hollywood. I don’t think she can handle the lifestyle.” She gave me a concerned look. I didn’t even know where this game from. This was a look that I wasn’t expecting to get from her. She looked like she knew I was going to fail in Hollywood and it scared me.
A shiver went through my spine because this was the first time I was scared of a person. Her gaze pierced right through my confidence and gave help at the doubt and worries I had. She knew that I had doubts and it seemed like she was going to use that against me.
“I think that she can make it. She seems to have a good head on her shoulder and I think that she will do fine in Hollywood. There are people who actually who survive there. She could be one of them. So stop being a pessimistic Brooke.” Zack snapped at her.
“Fine send her off to the sharks.” Brooke mumbled and sat back in her seat. It seems like she knew there was no way that she was going to win this argument. She just gave up and wanted to go on to another person because she was done with me.
“Let’s vote.” Zack said looking at Ronda to start the voting.
“I am 100 percent a yes for her to keep going.” Ronda said with a big grin on her face. She seemed really excited to see what was going to happen with me.
“I will also say yes. She has potential to being great.” Doug chimed in.
“It would be really stupid for me to not say yes to great talent.” Zack said with a laugh and a chipper tone. I liked Zack a lot and I was happy that he was being really nice to me and defending me against Brooke.
“I’m going to say yes. I think that you will do fine in Hollywood.” Jennifer said giving me an approval look.
It was all down to Brooke. I knew that she was going to say no so I didn’t really want to listen to what she had to say. I knew that I was going to have to anyways. I looked at her and her face showed that she was going to say no to me.
“Well I think that your all idiots for thinking she will do fine living in Hollywood.” Her face then turned into a softer person. She showed a different side of her and I couldn’t believe it. She actually looked like a nice person. I guess that is why the other 4 judges didn’t just beat her up. “But I would be stupid for me to let great potential to go to waste.” She rolled her eyes and was done with this whole situation. She was ready to get this whole thing over with them.
I started to jump up and down and I couldn’t believe that I was going to Hollywood. I felt like an idiot for having all those worries and doubts in my mind. I actually did great things and I am excited to see where I go.
“Congrats on making it to Hollywood, You really deserve it.” Zack said and everyone started clapping and cheering me. It already felt like I already won this whole thing and I was happy to have this feeling. I wanted this feeling to happen again when I actually won this.
I looked at Brooke and she had a concern look on her face. She looked like my mom does about this whole thing. I could see that she was saying something. I didn’t know what she said because I was in my own little world. I got my ticket and I started walking towards the door.
“I really hope she is different then the other girls that go to Hollywood because it would be a shame for great talent to fail in Hollywood.” I heard Brooke say after I got out of the door.
I nearly ran down the hall to go meet up with my mom and Alice. I was so happy that we both made it to the next round and I couldn’t wait to see what happens. I was ready to start a new beginning. I felt a sigh of relief because I was no longer going to be invisible I was going to be a known. I was going to make sure that when I go to Hollywood that I was going to win and have an amazing experience.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
New Day
Hello new day
how are you today
are you going to make today a good day
or are you deciding to go the other way
today is a complete mystery
so tell me what the new day is going to bring
is this new day going to fix all the problems of yesterday
will it give me the solution to fixing my mistakes
or will the new day be like old days and cause more problems
then i'll have to hope tomorrow will bring me what i want
give me the answer
i wake up today full of questions to be answered
full of mysteries that need to be solved
New day
yester caused many problems
will today fix these mistakes
or will tomorrow have to do it
tell me new day what today will be like
stop holding it to yourself
will this new day wipe away all of the tears
will today fix a broken man's heart
will the new day cure the pain that was caused to me
or will i be reminded of yesterday
and just weep some more
and never have a new day
i blame yesterday for all of this
she left me cold and necer let me have a right send off
she took my new days and made them all the same
yesterday started all of this
and sadly i can't get it back
will the new day be an old day or stand out
so you have a choice and you must make it
will you make today good or bad day
New day
yester caused many problems
will today fix these mistakes
or will tomorrow have to do it
tell me new day what today will be like
stop holding it to yourself
all i want to know new day is today the beginning of the new life
or will it just be like any other day
new day stop holding it all to yourself
i guess i won't find out until
i get out of bed
how are you today
are you going to make today a good day
or are you deciding to go the other way
today is a complete mystery
so tell me what the new day is going to bring
is this new day going to fix all the problems of yesterday
will it give me the solution to fixing my mistakes
or will the new day be like old days and cause more problems
then i'll have to hope tomorrow will bring me what i want
give me the answer
i wake up today full of questions to be answered
full of mysteries that need to be solved
New day
yester caused many problems
will today fix these mistakes
or will tomorrow have to do it
tell me new day what today will be like
stop holding it to yourself
will this new day wipe away all of the tears
will today fix a broken man's heart
will the new day cure the pain that was caused to me
or will i be reminded of yesterday
and just weep some more
and never have a new day
i blame yesterday for all of this
she left me cold and necer let me have a right send off
she took my new days and made them all the same
yesterday started all of this
and sadly i can't get it back
will the new day be an old day or stand out
so you have a choice and you must make it
will you make today good or bad day
New day
yester caused many problems
will today fix these mistakes
or will tomorrow have to do it
tell me new day what today will be like
stop holding it to yourself
all i want to know new day is today the beginning of the new life
or will it just be like any other day
new day stop holding it all to yourself
i guess i won't find out until
i get out of bed
Writing
Writing is something that everyone in the world should do! It's something that you can do to get all of your feelings out and escape from reality for a while. I write songs and books and i get to get my emotions out of get my creativity out. It's something that you can do when your stress or really happy and want to get it out. It's something that relaxes someone and you can actually tell people what you wrote. Also it's more productive then drinking or drugs. I guess you could say writing is my drug and it's my life. I love writing and it's something that everyone should be doing. It helps you through a tough situation and makes you see what is infront of you.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Time heals All
My Favorite Song I wrote
The hour glass goes empty
Time is up
The broken heart that I received from you is now starting to heal
The shed water that fell from the broken hearted eyes are now starting to dry
The mourning is starting to end
And a smile begins
Sunny days, rainy days, cold days
No matter what day it was
We found a way to do something
A picnic in the park
Running around in the street
A snowman that became part of our little happy family
Everyday was the perfect day because we had to get creative
The hour hand finally hits the hour that we have all been hoping for
And wanting to get
Time heals it all
A broken heart can some how get back together
The smiles might have faded away
But they come back
The door that my love closed hasn’t opened since that day
I stare hoping that she would come back
Open that door and run to my arms
Let me cradle her and let us get back on track
But I know now that’s not going to happen
Only time heals it all
People have said it.
It’s the only way to get over someone
But me being the stupid fool
I never believe them
I thought two hearts were something I was going to have to live with
But time mended my heart so that I can love again
You left looking for something better and happier
And now I have to do the same
Time heals it all
A broken heart can some how get back together
The smiles might have faded away
But they come back
Our days of holding hands and kissing have met the end
Our book is done and put back on the shelf
But that doesn’t mean the end
We might be in pieces
But time heals it all
Now the brighter days are ahead
And beginning of a new love is on the horizon
The hour glass goes empty
Time is up
The broken heart that I received from you is now starting to heal
The shed water that fell from the broken hearted eyes are now starting to dry
The mourning is starting to end
And a smile begins
Sunny days, rainy days, cold days
No matter what day it was
We found a way to do something
A picnic in the park
Running around in the street
A snowman that became part of our little happy family
Everyday was the perfect day because we had to get creative
The hour hand finally hits the hour that we have all been hoping for
And wanting to get
Time heals it all
A broken heart can some how get back together
The smiles might have faded away
But they come back
The door that my love closed hasn’t opened since that day
I stare hoping that she would come back
Open that door and run to my arms
Let me cradle her and let us get back on track
But I know now that’s not going to happen
Only time heals it all
People have said it.
It’s the only way to get over someone
But me being the stupid fool
I never believe them
I thought two hearts were something I was going to have to live with
But time mended my heart so that I can love again
You left looking for something better and happier
And now I have to do the same
Time heals it all
A broken heart can some how get back together
The smiles might have faded away
But they come back
Our days of holding hands and kissing have met the end
Our book is done and put back on the shelf
But that doesn’t mean the end
We might be in pieces
But time heals it all
Now the brighter days are ahead
And beginning of a new love is on the horizon
We Will Survive
Adding Songs from the New book
Ring, ring the phone goes off
The victim doesn’t know what is about to hit them
They pick up the phone to hear the news
Diamonds that shouldn’t fall
Fall to the ground
Oh the rope has to be put on trial for this crime
The rope caused the tragedy and shouldn’t be able to live
We should burn it and make sure it pays
How can it cause all of this pain?
And yet not feel any remorse
We have to stand together through this
We have to make sure we don’t fall and shatter the fest of our life
We will survive we will make sure that our hearts can heal
We will use this to motivate us through the pain
No one will fall to the darkness
There is no leaving each other in the dust
We have to stick together
He was a father, brother, and son
Oh why oh why did he let the rope convince him
Why couldn’t he step away and take a breath of fresh air to realize?
No, kept breathing in those toxic fumes and his brain wasn’t thinking clearly
Now we will never know the truth behind the gruesome murder of him
We won’t know why the rope murdered him
But we can’t dwell on why he did it
Or the darkness will swallow us up
And we will have more tragedy on our hands
We can’t walk away from each other
We can’t turn out back on family
We have to survive this
We will survive we will make sure that our hearts can heal
We will use this to motivate us through the pain
No one will fall to the darkness
There is no leaving each other in the dust
We have to stick together
We will survive this
He made his choice
We have to move on
The clouds are here, but there is a sun behind them
We can’t let our tears determine how we survive this
We will survive if we move on from this
It’s hard to let go, but it is necessary
For the sweet breath that we have
We can’t breathe in the toxic fumes that he had breathed in.
We will survive
Stand strong together and not let us break
We will survive oh we must or we will fall
Into the dark and have another tragedy
Ring, ring the phone goes off
The victim doesn’t know what is about to hit them
They pick up the phone to hear the news
Diamonds that shouldn’t fall
Fall to the ground
Oh the rope has to be put on trial for this crime
The rope caused the tragedy and shouldn’t be able to live
We should burn it and make sure it pays
How can it cause all of this pain?
And yet not feel any remorse
We have to stand together through this
We have to make sure we don’t fall and shatter the fest of our life
We will survive we will make sure that our hearts can heal
We will use this to motivate us through the pain
No one will fall to the darkness
There is no leaving each other in the dust
We have to stick together
He was a father, brother, and son
Oh why oh why did he let the rope convince him
Why couldn’t he step away and take a breath of fresh air to realize?
No, kept breathing in those toxic fumes and his brain wasn’t thinking clearly
Now we will never know the truth behind the gruesome murder of him
We won’t know why the rope murdered him
But we can’t dwell on why he did it
Or the darkness will swallow us up
And we will have more tragedy on our hands
We can’t walk away from each other
We can’t turn out back on family
We have to survive this
We will survive we will make sure that our hearts can heal
We will use this to motivate us through the pain
No one will fall to the darkness
There is no leaving each other in the dust
We have to stick together
We will survive this
He made his choice
We have to move on
The clouds are here, but there is a sun behind them
We can’t let our tears determine how we survive this
We will survive if we move on from this
It’s hard to let go, but it is necessary
For the sweet breath that we have
We can’t breathe in the toxic fumes that he had breathed in.
We will survive
Stand strong together and not let us break
We will survive oh we must or we will fall
Into the dark and have another tragedy
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Tinsel Town. Chapter One
Chapter One: The Audition To Change Everything.
They always said that this town was for the dreamers and if you wanted to make it big you would come here. They never told you that temptations were everywhere and if you didn’t watch what you were doing, you would end up another tragedy. The town of dreams is also the town of tears and broken promises. People lose themselves here. And I could be one of those people. I could be another example why aspiring star’s parents forbid them to come on this journey. I didn’t know when I started this adventure that I would be going down a dark slippery slope. I didn’t know that in the end I was just another broken hearted catastrophe.
“Mom I really want to do this.” I said to my mom once again trying to get her to stop nagging about the decision I was making. She had been trying to stop me for what I was about to do. I didn’t think it was that big of a problem but she thought otherwise. We were standing in line trying to get into the huge building. It was the size of a stadium and it looked like they would use this building for American Idol. Ironically, I was trying out for a singing competition. I looked around and I saw that, in my opinion, everyone was here for their shot of fame. A chance to change people’s lives with their music, become rich and famous, or just to show off an amazing voice they possessed.
“Please April, just listen to me. You have a full ride to Towson University. Isn’t what you have been dreaming about your whole life is to go to Towson? I know that your dad would want that for you.” My mom was desperate to stop me from going into that building and auditioning. She played the daddy card which usually worked except for this time. My dad had died when I was 13 years old. He died in a car accident and I was left in utter shock. I was young and I loved my dad so much. It torn me up inside; I promised right then I would only do things that would make my dad happy. I thought it was a big decision for me to make at a young age but I didn’t feel that I was like every other kid. I felt that I belonged somewhere else. I felt…. alone.
“Mom, Dad would be proud of me for this. This is something that I love. I want to go to Towson, but this is a one chance that I don’t want to give up. These kinds of opportunities don’t just come up out of anywhere. I’m tired of staying in this small town. Besides, I love singing mom and you know that dad loved it when I would sing.” I said firing back at her. I knew my dad, if he was still alive, he wouldn’t be too thrilled about it, but I wanted to do this. My dad would be siding with my mom and eventually I would have just gone home. I would probably cry for a couple of days and not speak to either one of them for that period of time. Eventually I would accept their decision and just go off to Towson and sing for them. When my dad died, I always pictured how it would be if he was still here. But even if he was still alive, I was determined to do this and was going to stop at nothing.
We were inside of the building now. I looked all around at the building. It had a very sophisticated feel to the place. There was a bright red pattern carpet on the ground, with a huge chandelier in the center of the room tying it all together. I could hear people practicing to get ready for their audition. All around I could hear people signing their hearts out and I could feel the passion that they had for their craft. I started to get a little nervous because a lot of these people sounded amazing. All these doubts rushed into my head and I became very self-conscious. How was I going to compete with these people? This is just stop one on the audition tour. I know it’s a small chance, but what if I go to Hollywood? The talent there is going to be amazing and I can’t compete with that. I knew if I wanted to I could just run back now and be a safe small town girl again.
I was a little nervous, okay very nervous but I knew that I couldn’t play it off on my face or my mom would use that against me. My mom and I were really close and she always knew what I was thinking. Her greatest weapon was the look on my face. I didn’t believe it but apparently when I have a certain emotion it will come across on my face. I guess that’s why everyone around me always knew what was going on with me. So I tried to play it off in my mind that I wasn’t nervous so she couldn’t use that against me.
“You know honey it is never too late to back out of this. We can always go home and you can sing for fun. I wouldn’t be ashamed of you and we could never speak about this little thing ever again. Doesn’t that sound like a good idea?” My mom was pleading one more time. She obviously saw that my expression didn’t show confidence. I hated my face sometimes when it failed me when I needed it the most.
It didn’t sound like a good idea to just leave, but I wasn’t going to be vicious to my mom. “No mom I want to do this and we came here for a mission.” I said determined to sing and I wasn’t going to back out now. If I look like an idiot then I look like an idiot. I wasn’t going to let my stupid nervousness stop me from this. I knew my mind was going back and forth, but in truth my heart and mind were at odd ends. My hearts says stay and go for this, while my brain says run as fast as you can. I knew that I was going to listen to my heart but I wasn’t going to scream it to the rooftops. I needed to be calm and collective with my mom. “And besides we are already here so why not just go through with it.” It was the perfect thing to say, so that it was a good point to make. We were already here and instead of wasting the car trip why not let me try out. I finished my statement as we reached the registration table.
“Hi welcome to The Next Big Thing. I need your name and your registration.” The counter girl said in a sweet voice. She had a big smile on her face and she had dark blonde hair. She looked like a real people person and I guess that is why she is the counter girl for this competition. You could tell in her voice that she was already getting bored with saying her sentences more than a 100 times for the same thing.
“Hi my name is April Lycos.” I said stuttering, I couldn’t believe that this all was happening so fast for me. I couldn’t believe that a couple of days ago I was just looking up about this competition. I didn’t think that there was a chance that I would be going off on an adventure chasing my dream. I thought about the memory of when it all started, like it was happened yesterday.
“Oh come on April you have to do this competition. You would be amazing in it.” Isabella said. Isabella was my best friend and I couldn’t live without her. She has always been my rock and I love her for that, but sometimes her ideas were so out there I wish she never thought about them.
“I don’t know Isabella; you have to be a really good singer to be in that competition.” I said doubting her. Isabella was always the one that came up with all of these crazy thoughts. Sometimes I would join her on these adventures but in the end they never worked out. In this instance I thought that it wasn’t going to work out. I was lying across my bed just looking up at the ceiling. We were both just being bored since today was our last day of school. We were excited to be done with school and graduate. It was a huge weight lifted off of my shoulders when the final bell rang. I was excited that I was going off to Towson chasing my dreams. It was something that I always thought about. Going out there and seeing what the world was going to do for me.
“And you’re not a good singer? Come on you got a full scholarship to Towson because of your singing. Maybe this is a sign. You have always said that you wanted an adventure, you wanted to get out of this town, and now you have it. Don’t let your worries stop you from doing something great.” Isabella looked at me trying to figure out what my reasons for not doing it were.
“I just don’t know. I know that I have to be a decent singer but these people are amazing. They have vocal coaches and sometimes I think that they sold their soul to the devil to be a singer.” The idea of selling my soul to the devil to be a good singer made me laugh on the inside. I don’t know if I would actually fully go through with giving up my soul. I had to keep focus on what was going on. “And you know my mom; she would never let me try out for this competition. So we might as well just forget about it.” I said trying to drop the subject. My mom isn’t a strict my mom but since my dad died she has been insane about losing me. She wanted me to stay state bound and every time I went off to see my aunt in Florida she called all the time to make sure that I was safe. She loved that I got a full scholarship to Towson because I wouldn’t be that far away. If I, by some chance of a miracle won this competition I would be half way around the country and she would never be approve of that.
“You are an amazing singer and if someone who disagrees with me is deaf. Let’s just ask your mom. The worse she can say is no.” Isabella pulled her “what is the worst thing that could happen” card with me and I knew that I couldn’t win this argument. There was no argument against it because it wasn’t the bad of a worst thing. All I would get is a shot down rejection and my mind was already in the mental state. I already knew my mom’s answer so I wasn’t too worried about losing to Isabella.
“Fine let’s go ask her, but I know what she is going to say.” I had a very smug look on my face because I knew that there was no way I was going to lose. I knew my mom inside and out and she would never let me go try out for this competition. But to my surprise my mom actually said yes to me. I kind of felt betrayed by her. I was hoping that she would say no to me and Isabella. I didn’t want to go do this singing thing and hear that I was horrible. I have seen those other singing shows and those judges scare the crap at of me. I put my heart and soul into my soul and to hear that I was horrible, I don’t know if I could handle that.
“Ma’am, do you have all the information?” The counter girl looked at me concerned that I might have a nervous break down. I saw in her eyes that her concern wasn’t that bad of an assumption.
I snapped out of my day dream and realized where I was. “Yes I do.” I handed her all of my information that she asked for.
She looked over everything on the registration. I was hoping that there was something wrong with it so I didn’t have to go through with this. I don’t know why I was here in the first place. Half of me was telling me to grab my mom and run to the car. The other half was telling me you can do this. You are a great singer and you will be a big name. That deep down there was something great inside of me that will make it big.
“Great everything looks in order.” She said giving me a big smile. She started to give me papers and a yellow sheet with numbers on them. “Here is your number and all of the other information you need. We will call your number when were ready for you. Good luck” She said with a big smile on her face after she showed me and my mom where to go.
We found seats and I was a complete nervous wreck when we finally sat down. There were so many butterflies in my stomach and knots to help the butterflies to cause me pain. It all hit me at once that I was about to sing in front of professionals. I have sung in front of music teachers but I have never sung in front of people that were from the business. They know what talent is and what a complete joke is. I had to keep my face composed so my mom didn’t think that I didn’t want to be here. I didn’t want her to use something else against me to make us go home.
“You know honey we don’t have to do this. We can go home and not think about this anymore. I would never be mad at you. I will love you the same.” I guess my face did show my distress. I wanted to yell and my face for failing me. I thought that my face and I had a special bond and that in the end we both were going to benefit. I guess my face had other plans.
“Mom we are here and I want to do this. I want to see if I can become a big star.” I sounded like any other hopeful wanting to become a mega sensation. In realty it was very unlikely that I would become a big star. I was going to have to be confident and try to do this. I wanted to be a big name and that’s what I am going to do. I am tired of living in a small town being a no body. Yeah I had a couple of friends but in realty no one knew who I was and apart of me hated that. That part of me wanted to walk down the halls of my high school and have people notice me. I wanted to be the popular girl in high school and now with this singing competition I could be the popular girl of the world.
“Okay honey then we will go through with this. I just want you to be happy.” I hated when my mom did this with me. She tried to give me a guilt trip and make me 2nd think my decision. In the way she said her last statement it seemed like she was hoping I was going to change my mind. It was the undertone of the whole thing that I could tell this. As much as my mom knew me, I knew a lot about her. I looked at her have and in her eyes she wanted me to go home and just go to Towson. I could see that she couldn’t handle me not being there anymore for her. She wasn’t going to let me not chase my dreams and that is why she said yes.
I had to be selfish and I had to follow my dreams for me and no one else. “I am happy” I quickly answered her. Part of me was sure that I wanted this, but another part of me wasn’t. I wanted to find a gun and shoot that other part with all the doubts and worries that it keeps screaming at me.
“Okay that’s all that matters then.” My mom said giving me a smile and a pat on the head. I looked into my mothers eyes and I saw all of the worry and concerned. No mother wanted their daughter to be a train wreck like all the other singers. She hated the idea of me moving across the country and she was stuck here worrying everyday if I was still alive. My mom didn’t have anyone else in her life. I was her everything and I knew that. I felt guilty for leaving her all by herself here but I wanted to do this. I felt selfish but you need to if you want to fulfill your dreams.
My mom and I just stood there for a minute in our own thoughts. I looked at all of my competition. Some wore scary clothes to stand out while others looked like me, nothing really special about them. Just wore jeans and a t-shirt. Didn’t really go all out with there make up. I looked into their eyes and I also saw all the fears and worries that I was going through. I felt comfort to know that I wasn’t the only who was going through the same things. That we all had our insecurities but they surpassed them to be here.
I was in my own thoughts when I heard a voice out of the side of my head. I looked up and saw a girl standing there looking at me. She kind of looked a lot like me. We both had the same brown hair up in a ponytail. She had hazel eyes and she didn’t have much make up on. She wore jeans, snickers, and a blue t-shirt. She was ordinary just like me, probably from a small town like me. I looked at her eyes and all I could see was a good person. She didn’t seem to come across fake and I didn’t know where but I could see being close to her.
“Hi my name is Alice Greenly” She said with a friendly tone. I looked up at here and she had a big smile on her face. She looked really sweet and I could tell that we could possibly become good friends.
“Hi my name is April Lycos” I said and then I gave her a smile. I was excited to meet a new friend and maybe someone to accompany me on this journey.
“Do you mind if I sit with you? I don’t really know anyone and I saw you from across the room and thought that maybe you looked nice enough for me to sit here.” She seemed really sweet and a bit lonely. I looked around her and I saw that she was by herself. I was kind of sad that she had no one here for her. I would never have enough courage to do this without my mom. I snuck a peak at my mom and I was really grateful that she came with me.
“Yeah you can sit with us.” I said I actually kind of wanted to have a friend here who knew what I was going through. I needed someone to vent to if I didn’t get in and a shoulder to cry on other then my mom’s.
“Thanks so much. I didn’t know what I was doing I look like a complete loser. I came here on a gut feeling and I slowly am regretting it. I am so nervous that I don’t know if I am going to go through with this.” She kept babbling and I could tell that she was one of those girls who get nervous and just spill their guts. It was kind of funny because sometimes I do the same thing. The only difference is that I blab about my feelings to myself and keep it all in.
I tried to calm her down. “Yeah I know what you’re feeling in a way. I have no clue what I am doing but my best friend kind of forced me to come here and I kind of wanted to do this too.” I said with a smile. I was kind of forced into doing this by the powerful manipulation of Isabella.
“Well at least you have your mom here to hold your hand through all of this.” She said looking at my mom. My mom had her iPod in and was reading a book. I could tell that she was in her own bubble. When my mom was stressed or she felt uncomfortable she would put her iPod in to block out the noise and read a good book. It was another thing that she and I had in common but I knew this was bigger then my bubble.
So I knew what I was talking to Alice about was completely between us too. “I guess I do but my mom is against this whole thing. She doesn’t want me to go across the country to Hollywood. I know she would never admit it but I could tell that she doesn’t want me to be here in her concern looks.” I felt bad for throwing my mom under the bus. But it all fairness it was the truth. I didn’t want Alice to think that my mom is a complete saint.
“Well at least she put her views aside and let you come do this. I am guessing she knows that you really want this and she doesn’t want to you to give up your dreams.” I looked at Alice for a minute. She looked my age, 18 just about to graduate high school. But when she talked she sounded like an adult and that’s what I like about her.
“Yeah I get where you’re coming from, but apart of me doesn’t really know if I want this.” I admitted then looked down and my hands.
“Why do you say that?” She gave me a confused expression. She didn’t understand why I didn’t want to be here. I thought it was obvious but I guess it wasn’t.
“In my mind apart of me wants this because I didn’t want to be an invisible person. I hate that I am just ordinary and I want to go out there and be big. And the other part is telling me that there is nothing wrong with being ordinary. I am all my mom has and I don’t want to leave her by herself.” I felt comfortable saying this to Alice because I kind of felt like I have known her for years.
“I get what you mean. I am kind of going through the same thing too. I just don’t know if this is right for me. My gut is telling me what the hell go for what you want. While my dang brain is telling me to go home and just never speak of this ever again.” I looked at her face and I saw on her face the same emotions that I was going through.
“But how did you manage. You look like you really want this.” She did look worried and scared but I didn’t think it was because of the fact that she didn’t want to be here. I didn’t think that she was going through the same dilemma and I was going through.
“I just realized that I have to be selfish. I had to basically tell the side of me with the worried and doubt to shut up. I told myself that I can do this and I will not let anyone stop me from getting it.” She said sounding proud of herself for achieving this big step.
“I see what you mean and I guess I have to tell that part of me to shut up then.” I laughed and she joined it. I felt a little bit better having her there. She knew what I was going through and she in a weird way was helping me through them.
We started talking about each other’s lives. It felt good to have girl talk and just forget about where we were. We talked about our childhood, our good friends, and our dreams when we grew up. It was fun talking to her. After a while I didn’t even think about the fact that I was going to sing in front of experts and there being a possibility that they could see I am horrible singer.
When I told her that I got a singing scholarship to Towson her eyes opened wide in shock. “You actually thought that you couldn’t sing although you got a full scholarship to Towson?” She looked at me I guess trying to figure out my sanity.
“Yeah I couldn’t believe that I got it either but I don’t know. When it comes to singing I have a little doubt about it. I don’t know why I put myself down but it happens. I hate that about myself.” I felt like I was just spilling my guts about everything. I never told my mom or Isabella about my doubts because they would just tell me that I was being crazy. Every time I had doubts about anything they would tell me that I was crazy and that I was amazing.
“I know what you mean about the doubts but you have to just ignore them. I have doubts myself but I just tell myself that who cares what happens as long as I am happy with myself that’s all that matters.” She said trying to help me through my doubts. I was happy telling Alice all of my concerns and worries because she went through all of the things that I was going through. She wouldn’t tell me that I was crazy. She would instead tell me that she understood and that made me feel better. She would help me through everything and I was appreciating it.
“I guess that your right and I are going to do that.” I said with a happy tone in my voice. I felt like a boulder was lifted off of me. I kept all of my emotions bottled up but now they were out in the open and I can’t just fix them instead of hiding them.
“That’s the spirit.” She said encouraging me with a big smile on her face.
“Thank you so much for giving me therapy time.” I laughed because I felt like Alice was my therapist and we should be in a session, not a singing competition. I was happy that Alice sat next to me because now the part of me with the doubts and worries finally shut up.
“No, thank you for letting me sit with you. I finally have a friend here to go with me through this.” She said giving me a grateful look. It was nice that even in a place like this I can actually find a friend.
“Well I am glad that you sat next to me because I have a friend to go through this with also.” We both laughed at that. It wasn’t a laugh of happiness it was more a laugh of relief. It was a relief because we both don’t have to go through this whole thing by ourselves.
“Number 257” One of the producers said looking at her clip board. She looked frantic and it looked like she was ready to fall asleep right then and there. I guess this whole thing has taken a huge toll on people and I didn’t know a lot of stuff went into this.
“Oh that’s me.” Alice said looking down and her number. There was a moment in her eyes that a flicker of worry went through her eyes. Then all of a sudden it went away. I guess she had a worried moment but finally got over it. I was really impressed that she can just stop her worries from taking over her. It would be really hard for me to do that. She had a smile on her face and she looked determined to go in there and give them the best performance that she has ever given somebody. She got up and started walking towards the producer.
“Good Luck” I yelled at her so she would hear me. I wanted her to come out of there victorious because she was an amazing person who deserved to go on to the next round.
“Thanks.” She said and I was glad that she heard me. She walked into the room to singing her heart out. I went back to my thoughts and I was happy that I did meet her because I knew even if I don’t make it I had a friend after all of this. I had someone that I could go run to and talk about all of my doubts. She wouldn’t think that I was crazy; she would actually help me through it all. I was happy to meet Alice and I was hoping that both of us would make it to go on this journey together.
They always said that this town was for the dreamers and if you wanted to make it big you would come here. They never told you that temptations were everywhere and if you didn’t watch what you were doing, you would end up another tragedy. The town of dreams is also the town of tears and broken promises. People lose themselves here. And I could be one of those people. I could be another example why aspiring star’s parents forbid them to come on this journey. I didn’t know when I started this adventure that I would be going down a dark slippery slope. I didn’t know that in the end I was just another broken hearted catastrophe.
“Mom I really want to do this.” I said to my mom once again trying to get her to stop nagging about the decision I was making. She had been trying to stop me for what I was about to do. I didn’t think it was that big of a problem but she thought otherwise. We were standing in line trying to get into the huge building. It was the size of a stadium and it looked like they would use this building for American Idol. Ironically, I was trying out for a singing competition. I looked around and I saw that, in my opinion, everyone was here for their shot of fame. A chance to change people’s lives with their music, become rich and famous, or just to show off an amazing voice they possessed.
“Please April, just listen to me. You have a full ride to Towson University. Isn’t what you have been dreaming about your whole life is to go to Towson? I know that your dad would want that for you.” My mom was desperate to stop me from going into that building and auditioning. She played the daddy card which usually worked except for this time. My dad had died when I was 13 years old. He died in a car accident and I was left in utter shock. I was young and I loved my dad so much. It torn me up inside; I promised right then I would only do things that would make my dad happy. I thought it was a big decision for me to make at a young age but I didn’t feel that I was like every other kid. I felt that I belonged somewhere else. I felt…. alone.
“Mom, Dad would be proud of me for this. This is something that I love. I want to go to Towson, but this is a one chance that I don’t want to give up. These kinds of opportunities don’t just come up out of anywhere. I’m tired of staying in this small town. Besides, I love singing mom and you know that dad loved it when I would sing.” I said firing back at her. I knew my dad, if he was still alive, he wouldn’t be too thrilled about it, but I wanted to do this. My dad would be siding with my mom and eventually I would have just gone home. I would probably cry for a couple of days and not speak to either one of them for that period of time. Eventually I would accept their decision and just go off to Towson and sing for them. When my dad died, I always pictured how it would be if he was still here. But even if he was still alive, I was determined to do this and was going to stop at nothing.
We were inside of the building now. I looked all around at the building. It had a very sophisticated feel to the place. There was a bright red pattern carpet on the ground, with a huge chandelier in the center of the room tying it all together. I could hear people practicing to get ready for their audition. All around I could hear people signing their hearts out and I could feel the passion that they had for their craft. I started to get a little nervous because a lot of these people sounded amazing. All these doubts rushed into my head and I became very self-conscious. How was I going to compete with these people? This is just stop one on the audition tour. I know it’s a small chance, but what if I go to Hollywood? The talent there is going to be amazing and I can’t compete with that. I knew if I wanted to I could just run back now and be a safe small town girl again.
I was a little nervous, okay very nervous but I knew that I couldn’t play it off on my face or my mom would use that against me. My mom and I were really close and she always knew what I was thinking. Her greatest weapon was the look on my face. I didn’t believe it but apparently when I have a certain emotion it will come across on my face. I guess that’s why everyone around me always knew what was going on with me. So I tried to play it off in my mind that I wasn’t nervous so she couldn’t use that against me.
“You know honey it is never too late to back out of this. We can always go home and you can sing for fun. I wouldn’t be ashamed of you and we could never speak about this little thing ever again. Doesn’t that sound like a good idea?” My mom was pleading one more time. She obviously saw that my expression didn’t show confidence. I hated my face sometimes when it failed me when I needed it the most.
It didn’t sound like a good idea to just leave, but I wasn’t going to be vicious to my mom. “No mom I want to do this and we came here for a mission.” I said determined to sing and I wasn’t going to back out now. If I look like an idiot then I look like an idiot. I wasn’t going to let my stupid nervousness stop me from this. I knew my mind was going back and forth, but in truth my heart and mind were at odd ends. My hearts says stay and go for this, while my brain says run as fast as you can. I knew that I was going to listen to my heart but I wasn’t going to scream it to the rooftops. I needed to be calm and collective with my mom. “And besides we are already here so why not just go through with it.” It was the perfect thing to say, so that it was a good point to make. We were already here and instead of wasting the car trip why not let me try out. I finished my statement as we reached the registration table.
“Hi welcome to The Next Big Thing. I need your name and your registration.” The counter girl said in a sweet voice. She had a big smile on her face and she had dark blonde hair. She looked like a real people person and I guess that is why she is the counter girl for this competition. You could tell in her voice that she was already getting bored with saying her sentences more than a 100 times for the same thing.
“Hi my name is April Lycos.” I said stuttering, I couldn’t believe that this all was happening so fast for me. I couldn’t believe that a couple of days ago I was just looking up about this competition. I didn’t think that there was a chance that I would be going off on an adventure chasing my dream. I thought about the memory of when it all started, like it was happened yesterday.
“Oh come on April you have to do this competition. You would be amazing in it.” Isabella said. Isabella was my best friend and I couldn’t live without her. She has always been my rock and I love her for that, but sometimes her ideas were so out there I wish she never thought about them.
“I don’t know Isabella; you have to be a really good singer to be in that competition.” I said doubting her. Isabella was always the one that came up with all of these crazy thoughts. Sometimes I would join her on these adventures but in the end they never worked out. In this instance I thought that it wasn’t going to work out. I was lying across my bed just looking up at the ceiling. We were both just being bored since today was our last day of school. We were excited to be done with school and graduate. It was a huge weight lifted off of my shoulders when the final bell rang. I was excited that I was going off to Towson chasing my dreams. It was something that I always thought about. Going out there and seeing what the world was going to do for me.
“And you’re not a good singer? Come on you got a full scholarship to Towson because of your singing. Maybe this is a sign. You have always said that you wanted an adventure, you wanted to get out of this town, and now you have it. Don’t let your worries stop you from doing something great.” Isabella looked at me trying to figure out what my reasons for not doing it were.
“I just don’t know. I know that I have to be a decent singer but these people are amazing. They have vocal coaches and sometimes I think that they sold their soul to the devil to be a singer.” The idea of selling my soul to the devil to be a good singer made me laugh on the inside. I don’t know if I would actually fully go through with giving up my soul. I had to keep focus on what was going on. “And you know my mom; she would never let me try out for this competition. So we might as well just forget about it.” I said trying to drop the subject. My mom isn’t a strict my mom but since my dad died she has been insane about losing me. She wanted me to stay state bound and every time I went off to see my aunt in Florida she called all the time to make sure that I was safe. She loved that I got a full scholarship to Towson because I wouldn’t be that far away. If I, by some chance of a miracle won this competition I would be half way around the country and she would never be approve of that.
“You are an amazing singer and if someone who disagrees with me is deaf. Let’s just ask your mom. The worse she can say is no.” Isabella pulled her “what is the worst thing that could happen” card with me and I knew that I couldn’t win this argument. There was no argument against it because it wasn’t the bad of a worst thing. All I would get is a shot down rejection and my mind was already in the mental state. I already knew my mom’s answer so I wasn’t too worried about losing to Isabella.
“Fine let’s go ask her, but I know what she is going to say.” I had a very smug look on my face because I knew that there was no way I was going to lose. I knew my mom inside and out and she would never let me go try out for this competition. But to my surprise my mom actually said yes to me. I kind of felt betrayed by her. I was hoping that she would say no to me and Isabella. I didn’t want to go do this singing thing and hear that I was horrible. I have seen those other singing shows and those judges scare the crap at of me. I put my heart and soul into my soul and to hear that I was horrible, I don’t know if I could handle that.
“Ma’am, do you have all the information?” The counter girl looked at me concerned that I might have a nervous break down. I saw in her eyes that her concern wasn’t that bad of an assumption.
I snapped out of my day dream and realized where I was. “Yes I do.” I handed her all of my information that she asked for.
She looked over everything on the registration. I was hoping that there was something wrong with it so I didn’t have to go through with this. I don’t know why I was here in the first place. Half of me was telling me to grab my mom and run to the car. The other half was telling me you can do this. You are a great singer and you will be a big name. That deep down there was something great inside of me that will make it big.
“Great everything looks in order.” She said giving me a big smile. She started to give me papers and a yellow sheet with numbers on them. “Here is your number and all of the other information you need. We will call your number when were ready for you. Good luck” She said with a big smile on her face after she showed me and my mom where to go.
We found seats and I was a complete nervous wreck when we finally sat down. There were so many butterflies in my stomach and knots to help the butterflies to cause me pain. It all hit me at once that I was about to sing in front of professionals. I have sung in front of music teachers but I have never sung in front of people that were from the business. They know what talent is and what a complete joke is. I had to keep my face composed so my mom didn’t think that I didn’t want to be here. I didn’t want her to use something else against me to make us go home.
“You know honey we don’t have to do this. We can go home and not think about this anymore. I would never be mad at you. I will love you the same.” I guess my face did show my distress. I wanted to yell and my face for failing me. I thought that my face and I had a special bond and that in the end we both were going to benefit. I guess my face had other plans.
“Mom we are here and I want to do this. I want to see if I can become a big star.” I sounded like any other hopeful wanting to become a mega sensation. In realty it was very unlikely that I would become a big star. I was going to have to be confident and try to do this. I wanted to be a big name and that’s what I am going to do. I am tired of living in a small town being a no body. Yeah I had a couple of friends but in realty no one knew who I was and apart of me hated that. That part of me wanted to walk down the halls of my high school and have people notice me. I wanted to be the popular girl in high school and now with this singing competition I could be the popular girl of the world.
“Okay honey then we will go through with this. I just want you to be happy.” I hated when my mom did this with me. She tried to give me a guilt trip and make me 2nd think my decision. In the way she said her last statement it seemed like she was hoping I was going to change my mind. It was the undertone of the whole thing that I could tell this. As much as my mom knew me, I knew a lot about her. I looked at her have and in her eyes she wanted me to go home and just go to Towson. I could see that she couldn’t handle me not being there anymore for her. She wasn’t going to let me not chase my dreams and that is why she said yes.
I had to be selfish and I had to follow my dreams for me and no one else. “I am happy” I quickly answered her. Part of me was sure that I wanted this, but another part of me wasn’t. I wanted to find a gun and shoot that other part with all the doubts and worries that it keeps screaming at me.
“Okay that’s all that matters then.” My mom said giving me a smile and a pat on the head. I looked into my mothers eyes and I saw all of the worry and concerned. No mother wanted their daughter to be a train wreck like all the other singers. She hated the idea of me moving across the country and she was stuck here worrying everyday if I was still alive. My mom didn’t have anyone else in her life. I was her everything and I knew that. I felt guilty for leaving her all by herself here but I wanted to do this. I felt selfish but you need to if you want to fulfill your dreams.
My mom and I just stood there for a minute in our own thoughts. I looked at all of my competition. Some wore scary clothes to stand out while others looked like me, nothing really special about them. Just wore jeans and a t-shirt. Didn’t really go all out with there make up. I looked into their eyes and I also saw all the fears and worries that I was going through. I felt comfort to know that I wasn’t the only who was going through the same things. That we all had our insecurities but they surpassed them to be here.
I was in my own thoughts when I heard a voice out of the side of my head. I looked up and saw a girl standing there looking at me. She kind of looked a lot like me. We both had the same brown hair up in a ponytail. She had hazel eyes and she didn’t have much make up on. She wore jeans, snickers, and a blue t-shirt. She was ordinary just like me, probably from a small town like me. I looked at her eyes and all I could see was a good person. She didn’t seem to come across fake and I didn’t know where but I could see being close to her.
“Hi my name is Alice Greenly” She said with a friendly tone. I looked up at here and she had a big smile on her face. She looked really sweet and I could tell that we could possibly become good friends.
“Hi my name is April Lycos” I said and then I gave her a smile. I was excited to meet a new friend and maybe someone to accompany me on this journey.
“Do you mind if I sit with you? I don’t really know anyone and I saw you from across the room and thought that maybe you looked nice enough for me to sit here.” She seemed really sweet and a bit lonely. I looked around her and I saw that she was by herself. I was kind of sad that she had no one here for her. I would never have enough courage to do this without my mom. I snuck a peak at my mom and I was really grateful that she came with me.
“Yeah you can sit with us.” I said I actually kind of wanted to have a friend here who knew what I was going through. I needed someone to vent to if I didn’t get in and a shoulder to cry on other then my mom’s.
“Thanks so much. I didn’t know what I was doing I look like a complete loser. I came here on a gut feeling and I slowly am regretting it. I am so nervous that I don’t know if I am going to go through with this.” She kept babbling and I could tell that she was one of those girls who get nervous and just spill their guts. It was kind of funny because sometimes I do the same thing. The only difference is that I blab about my feelings to myself and keep it all in.
I tried to calm her down. “Yeah I know what you’re feeling in a way. I have no clue what I am doing but my best friend kind of forced me to come here and I kind of wanted to do this too.” I said with a smile. I was kind of forced into doing this by the powerful manipulation of Isabella.
“Well at least you have your mom here to hold your hand through all of this.” She said looking at my mom. My mom had her iPod in and was reading a book. I could tell that she was in her own bubble. When my mom was stressed or she felt uncomfortable she would put her iPod in to block out the noise and read a good book. It was another thing that she and I had in common but I knew this was bigger then my bubble.
So I knew what I was talking to Alice about was completely between us too. “I guess I do but my mom is against this whole thing. She doesn’t want me to go across the country to Hollywood. I know she would never admit it but I could tell that she doesn’t want me to be here in her concern looks.” I felt bad for throwing my mom under the bus. But it all fairness it was the truth. I didn’t want Alice to think that my mom is a complete saint.
“Well at least she put her views aside and let you come do this. I am guessing she knows that you really want this and she doesn’t want to you to give up your dreams.” I looked at Alice for a minute. She looked my age, 18 just about to graduate high school. But when she talked she sounded like an adult and that’s what I like about her.
“Yeah I get where you’re coming from, but apart of me doesn’t really know if I want this.” I admitted then looked down and my hands.
“Why do you say that?” She gave me a confused expression. She didn’t understand why I didn’t want to be here. I thought it was obvious but I guess it wasn’t.
“In my mind apart of me wants this because I didn’t want to be an invisible person. I hate that I am just ordinary and I want to go out there and be big. And the other part is telling me that there is nothing wrong with being ordinary. I am all my mom has and I don’t want to leave her by herself.” I felt comfortable saying this to Alice because I kind of felt like I have known her for years.
“I get what you mean. I am kind of going through the same thing too. I just don’t know if this is right for me. My gut is telling me what the hell go for what you want. While my dang brain is telling me to go home and just never speak of this ever again.” I looked at her face and I saw on her face the same emotions that I was going through.
“But how did you manage. You look like you really want this.” She did look worried and scared but I didn’t think it was because of the fact that she didn’t want to be here. I didn’t think that she was going through the same dilemma and I was going through.
“I just realized that I have to be selfish. I had to basically tell the side of me with the worried and doubt to shut up. I told myself that I can do this and I will not let anyone stop me from getting it.” She said sounding proud of herself for achieving this big step.
“I see what you mean and I guess I have to tell that part of me to shut up then.” I laughed and she joined it. I felt a little bit better having her there. She knew what I was going through and she in a weird way was helping me through them.
We started talking about each other’s lives. It felt good to have girl talk and just forget about where we were. We talked about our childhood, our good friends, and our dreams when we grew up. It was fun talking to her. After a while I didn’t even think about the fact that I was going to sing in front of experts and there being a possibility that they could see I am horrible singer.
When I told her that I got a singing scholarship to Towson her eyes opened wide in shock. “You actually thought that you couldn’t sing although you got a full scholarship to Towson?” She looked at me I guess trying to figure out my sanity.
“Yeah I couldn’t believe that I got it either but I don’t know. When it comes to singing I have a little doubt about it. I don’t know why I put myself down but it happens. I hate that about myself.” I felt like I was just spilling my guts about everything. I never told my mom or Isabella about my doubts because they would just tell me that I was being crazy. Every time I had doubts about anything they would tell me that I was crazy and that I was amazing.
“I know what you mean about the doubts but you have to just ignore them. I have doubts myself but I just tell myself that who cares what happens as long as I am happy with myself that’s all that matters.” She said trying to help me through my doubts. I was happy telling Alice all of my concerns and worries because she went through all of the things that I was going through. She wouldn’t tell me that I was crazy. She would instead tell me that she understood and that made me feel better. She would help me through everything and I was appreciating it.
“I guess that your right and I are going to do that.” I said with a happy tone in my voice. I felt like a boulder was lifted off of me. I kept all of my emotions bottled up but now they were out in the open and I can’t just fix them instead of hiding them.
“That’s the spirit.” She said encouraging me with a big smile on her face.
“Thank you so much for giving me therapy time.” I laughed because I felt like Alice was my therapist and we should be in a session, not a singing competition. I was happy that Alice sat next to me because now the part of me with the doubts and worries finally shut up.
“No, thank you for letting me sit with you. I finally have a friend here to go with me through this.” She said giving me a grateful look. It was nice that even in a place like this I can actually find a friend.
“Well I am glad that you sat next to me because I have a friend to go through this with also.” We both laughed at that. It wasn’t a laugh of happiness it was more a laugh of relief. It was a relief because we both don’t have to go through this whole thing by ourselves.
“Number 257” One of the producers said looking at her clip board. She looked frantic and it looked like she was ready to fall asleep right then and there. I guess this whole thing has taken a huge toll on people and I didn’t know a lot of stuff went into this.
“Oh that’s me.” Alice said looking down and her number. There was a moment in her eyes that a flicker of worry went through her eyes. Then all of a sudden it went away. I guess she had a worried moment but finally got over it. I was really impressed that she can just stop her worries from taking over her. It would be really hard for me to do that. She had a smile on her face and she looked determined to go in there and give them the best performance that she has ever given somebody. She got up and started walking towards the producer.
“Good Luck” I yelled at her so she would hear me. I wanted her to come out of there victorious because she was an amazing person who deserved to go on to the next round.
“Thanks.” She said and I was glad that she heard me. She walked into the room to singing her heart out. I went back to my thoughts and I was happy that I did meet her because I knew even if I don’t make it I had a friend after all of this. I had someone that I could go run to and talk about all of my doubts. She wouldn’t think that I was crazy; she would actually help me through it all. I was happy to meet Alice and I was hoping that both of us would make it to go on this journey together.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Darling
New song. Hope you like it.
You look lovely tonight
Darling you always do
i can see the tears form in the beauties of yours
i can see your soul break right before me
darling always know i love you
I know you don't understand this and i can't blame you
normally I'm not like this but i can't be here
my heart is somewhere else
i don't think darling we can be together
i know darling this isn't what we planned
but when is life ever planned.
Darling
i love you
i wish it could be like the beginning
we were everything to each other
time took over
and now were on different roads
Darling do you remember the first time we met
of course you do
it's our favorite memory
i was young and so naive
you were young too, but knew what you wanted
we saw each other and the love started from there
i couldn't believe the angel from the sky was here
i couldn't believe you were mine
and i was the luckiest guy in the world
i didn't think for one second it was going to end like this
darling you were my soul mate
Darling
i love you
i wish we could go back to the beginning
we were everything to each other
time took over
now were on different roads
the hands of time slowly moved
the burning flame of love we had
sadly turned into a gentle flicker
i would look at you and sadly you weren't the same
and neither was i
we choose different roads
i know you are still my darling
i know we would have lasted
but time made us lose who we are
and in the end darling i didn't even know you
so i must leave
darling you will survive and find another
You look lovely tonight
Darling you always do
i can see the tears form in the beauties of yours
i can see your soul break right before me
darling always know i love you
I know you don't understand this and i can't blame you
normally I'm not like this but i can't be here
my heart is somewhere else
i don't think darling we can be together
i know darling this isn't what we planned
but when is life ever planned.
Darling
i love you
i wish it could be like the beginning
we were everything to each other
time took over
and now were on different roads
Darling do you remember the first time we met
of course you do
it's our favorite memory
i was young and so naive
you were young too, but knew what you wanted
we saw each other and the love started from there
i couldn't believe the angel from the sky was here
i couldn't believe you were mine
and i was the luckiest guy in the world
i didn't think for one second it was going to end like this
darling you were my soul mate
Darling
i love you
i wish we could go back to the beginning
we were everything to each other
time took over
now were on different roads
the hands of time slowly moved
the burning flame of love we had
sadly turned into a gentle flicker
i would look at you and sadly you weren't the same
and neither was i
we choose different roads
i know you are still my darling
i know we would have lasted
but time made us lose who we are
and in the end darling i didn't even know you
so i must leave
darling you will survive and find another
Warm Days
You wake up to the warm breeze coming in and the sunshine waking you up. It's something that everyone loves. I personally love the warmth because it marks it being closer to the summer. Warm days is where you can go outside and relax or maybe read a book. If you are like me maybe right a book. Warm days are something that people crave because you can take off all the bundle of clothes and where comfortable clothes. I love the warmth because i can finally go outside and just relax while watching the day goodbye. I love that on warm days you can stare off into space and fix the problems that you have. Go on hikes and think about all of your problems or even spend the day with a loved one. Warm days are a blessing and people should embrace it when they have the chance.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Relationships.
Relationships are one of the most unknown things in this world. People fall for a person, but we all can't be like Edward Cullen and read the minds of people and know their thoughts. Even he was fustrated with the fact that he couldnt read Bella's mind. Relationshiops are something that everyone out there wants to find. It's something everyone craves for. It's basically our purpose in life is. To find that special someone and be like a movie or book and have the romance. It's a hard thing because relationships you don't know if the person you are falling for has those feelings back. it's like a book of you two trying to be on the same page. It's hard to figure out if you are too far ahead or trying to play catch up. It's a frustrating thing and you try to get their best friends to tell you the truth about your interest. It's a long roller coaster that we all have to do.
My thing is that you have to just go with it. If you like someone enjoy that time with them and don't try to make it something more at that moment. When the time is right and the clock strikes 12 then you will have that moment. But until then don't push something that isn't ready to blossom. Moving too fast could destroy a relationship. You also don't want to skip out on the love one and regret it for the rest of your life. In the end relationships are something that we all have to go through, but enjoy the small things and just go with it. If that is the right person then it won't matter if you want to go faster or slower. You want to stay at the pace your at... which is enjoying each other's company.
My thing is that you have to just go with it. If you like someone enjoy that time with them and don't try to make it something more at that moment. When the time is right and the clock strikes 12 then you will have that moment. But until then don't push something that isn't ready to blossom. Moving too fast could destroy a relationship. You also don't want to skip out on the love one and regret it for the rest of your life. In the end relationships are something that we all have to go through, but enjoy the small things and just go with it. If that is the right person then it won't matter if you want to go faster or slower. You want to stay at the pace your at... which is enjoying each other's company.
Imagine It
New Song. Just finished it
I can see the doubt in those hazel eyes
it's the think that is going to kill this whole thing
your heistant on which road to choose
one is with me and unknown
the other a safe choice road
just imagine the road with me
imagine it before you make your choice
just think about the future we could have together
think and imgaine me as your love
Don't be scared
trust me and see the potential
Imagine it
falling for each other
being the perfect couple
getting married
having kids
getting old together
walk off in the road with me in it
we hold hands while looking at the stars
we start falling madly for each other
i smile everytime i hear your name
imagine it
our wedding as the sun sets
us staring at each other madly in love
knowing we choose the one
imagine us growing old and watching the sun set together on the porch
we could be soulmates
and you are ready to throw it all away
Imagine it
falling for each other
being the perfect couple
getting married
having kids
getting old together
you could be ruining the perfect love story right now
you need to throw away all of those doubts
throw away the heistation you have
and just imagine it
imagine falling in love
imagine our sunset wedding
imagine making a happy familty together
dont be scared of the road with me
imagine it
us together and in love down this road together
I can see the doubt in those hazel eyes
it's the think that is going to kill this whole thing
your heistant on which road to choose
one is with me and unknown
the other a safe choice road
just imagine the road with me
imagine it before you make your choice
just think about the future we could have together
think and imgaine me as your love
Don't be scared
trust me and see the potential
Imagine it
falling for each other
being the perfect couple
getting married
having kids
getting old together
walk off in the road with me in it
we hold hands while looking at the stars
we start falling madly for each other
i smile everytime i hear your name
imagine it
our wedding as the sun sets
us staring at each other madly in love
knowing we choose the one
imagine us growing old and watching the sun set together on the porch
we could be soulmates
and you are ready to throw it all away
Imagine it
falling for each other
being the perfect couple
getting married
having kids
getting old together
you could be ruining the perfect love story right now
you need to throw away all of those doubts
throw away the heistation you have
and just imagine it
imagine falling in love
imagine our sunset wedding
imagine making a happy familty together
dont be scared of the road with me
imagine it
us together and in love down this road together
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